wishingonastar0

bloody plateau, bloody lack of willpower.
need to go to the gym and get my fat arse out of bed.
where has all of my willpower gone?!

i've lost 2lbs on this 2468 comp already!!! well, i weighed 158 on saturday, then i had some serious binges on sunday so must have been more than 158 but cant be sure as i didnt weigh myself.
and this morning i am 156.3!! yay yay yay yay yay.
i just have to keep it off and keep losing over the next week until this comp ends :)

feel so low tonight.
im so worried about my teeth, i have to have one taken out and a bridge put in and im freaking out. the dentist has never confronted me about why i have gum disease, but he must know. so many websites say that the dentist is usually the first person to notice bulimia. i think really i am grateful that he has never brought it up. but he must think i am fucked in the head to keep purging even though im already losing one tooth.
and i was horrible to my boyfriend tonight. was supposed to stay at his and i bailed on him, with no good reason, just that i wanted to be alone. and i know he's upset.
and im really not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow. its been a week since i last weighed myself and i doubt i weigh any less. i dont feel thinner, especially as i am all bloated and have pms.
i think i should just go to sleep so i dont have to think about this shit anymore.

soo i havent purged since saturday and i hope i have broken that cycle. my teeth are suffering too much for me to carry on doing that despite how difficult it is to stop.
on friday i went for a meal with my friends and ate a chicken burger with rice and coleslaw. then went to the ladies to purge it all back up again and when i lifted the toilet seat i could see where some other girl had been sick, all round the rim.
that made me feel weird, a mix between sad that someone else had been exactly where i was, purging and feeling guilty. and another part of me felt some kind of recognition or acceptance. and happy to know that im not the only person who had been there feeling the way i did.
i wish i had a friend in real life who feels the way i do about food, but the girls here are here for me in that way :)

say goodbye to 730 calories.
ergh, the gym happiness was short-lived. im sat on my bed in my undies and i feel like a COW.
enormous.
im scared of weighing myself tomorrow
:(

sooo total for today is:
b - special k 170
l - cuppa soup 102
snack - 3 quail eggs 45
dinner - ... potentially a calorific nando's with the girls. DAMMIT. i will have to purge, and i was trying to go a whole day without purging, which hasnt happened for a week :(

so total cals still to be announced, but will most likely be like 600 or 700, as i will purge dinner, hopefully at the restaurant, but at home if not.

now then, off to the gym to burn at least 6 or 7 hundred calories lol.

ergh i feel pudgy and fat :( and full, which is a feeling i am growing to HATE and feel the need to purge, even when all i've eaten is a bloody salad and drank a cup of tea to fill me up and now feel guilty for being full.
damn it.
and i knew i shouldnt have bloody weighed myself yesterday :(
PISS

this whole fasting thing is awesome, as everyone is just leaving me alone not trying to get me to eat, they've just accepted that i am ill.
my boyfriend is a douche however, as i said to him on the phone just now that i havnt been able to eat anything and his reply was a joking 'now you will get ripped' his stupid weight training jargon. he was joking but its true!!

this comp 13 is not going well. i have gone over my cal limit twice now, and even though i have purged i just think it might be a waste of time. i dont have the willpower.
plus i feel so ill today, headache, sick. and i have to go to the gym.
AND it's mum's birthday today and we are going out for a big meal tonight. and its so difficult sometimes to just grow a backbone and order a fucking salad instead of what i really want!
although feeling so ill i hopefully wont want to eat much anyway.

im watching the simple life 2 and its so interesting to see nicole richie before she got so skinny. a bit inspiring as i can look on my laptop to see her so skinny and then see how she used to be.

x

burned 660 cals at the gym instead of the 500 i thought i would, and even though i feel like im going to pass out im pleased :)
that means as long as i dont eat anything else tonight my intake for the day is only 140
:) a good day at last!
if only the scales would reflect how hard i am working!

i havnt done particularly well so far today calorie wise...

breakfast: 2 weetabix with skimmed milk 150 cal
lunch: small bowl of sausage stew and two pieces of bread approx 500? (might be over estimating but its better than under estimating), plus 3 go ahead biscuits 150

so 800 calories today :( but im not going to eat anything else and im off to the gym with my brother in half an hour and will burn at least 500 there.
300 for the day isnt too bad i suppose :/

this week has been so weird. apart from a couple of slip ups, like drinking at the weekend, i have stuck to my calorie limits every day, and worked out almost every day, and yet the scales havnt moved.
i feel thinner though, so i dont really understand whats going on with my body at the moment. i havnt lost weight but i feel better about myself because i FEEL thinner, even though im not.
nothing would make me as happy as seeing the scales going down though.

i have just binged for the third time today, which means i am about to make myself throw up for the third time today.
i REALLY do not want to slide down this slope again. restricting is good, it gives results and it wont make my fucking teeth fall out.
here we go...

i did a bad thing today.
i went to ikea with my mum, just to spend the day together. and we had lunch at the cafe there, and i could see a garden salad sat there in the fridge, and the shrimp salad next to it, which would also have been a good choice.
what did i get?
chips and meatballs.
AND a strawberry tart.
then i went to the toilets and purged the lot of it. like puked until only stomach bile was coming up and my eyes were streaming. no one could hear me because the hand dryer was on the whole time, but i still felt like someone was going to find me out.
disgusting, i feel absolutely rancid after doing that.
and i have gum disease from being bulimic a year ago so fuck knows what damage that did to my teeth.
im only going to have a bowl of special k and some fruit for dinner so hopefully even if some of that lunch didnt come up i wont go too far over my 600 calorie limit.

i am so weak

yikes my mum is such a pain, i just popped to the shops to get some soup for dinner and asked her if she wanted me to get her anything. "yes please love, i'll have some cream cakes, get a two pack and then you can have one too"!! so i sat there chatting with her, while she stuffs her face with a cake, and the other one is sat in the fridge shouting at me to eat it. am drinking green tea instead to try and feel full lol.
in my head i always try to argue and justify eating bad things, like 'oh its only 300 calories, i just wont eat anything tomorrow' but i really think if this new drive to lose weight is going to work i need to grow a f'ing back-bone and just say no! lol, to break the addiction.

intake for today:
breakfast: bowl of special k, 170
lunch: 2 packets of tikka chicken 118 each, so 236
dinner: chicken and vegetable soup, 190

= 596

and i burned around 630 calories at the gym

so yay! as long as i dont cave in and eat that bastard cake!! haha

breakfast: diet pills and green tea 0 cals
lunch: chicken salad 400 and 2 go ahead biscuits 100
dinner: slice of watermelon... not sure how many calories but dont think i'll count it as any as its fruit, and 90% water anyway. and a pack of chicken bites 126

= 626 calories

just got back from a class at the gym which burnt approx 600 so ive pretty much cancelled out everything ive eaten today :) might actually go to bed feeling positive about things tonight!
hpe everyone else's day is going okay

sooo happy, i was terrified to weigh myself this morning as last night i had loads of roast beef on my salad and i know meat isnt the worst thing in the world to eat but i still felt like a giant pig. PLUS my boyfriend is like a health and fitness freak who doesnt eat carbs and eats about a ton of protein a day etc, no fat or sugar EVER, and when i was at his in the evening i wanted a cup of tea to fill me up and i usually have one sugar and semiskimmed milk and the look he gave me when i reached for semiskimmed instead of 1% made me want to punch him. he has no idea how good i was yesterday, two hours in the gym and only about 650 calories. ergh sometimes he drives me insane.
but turns out im down to 162.5 from 165 on saturday. which made me happy two minutes ago, but looking at the situation as a whole still depresses the hell out of me. i am so heavy.

so bored having a night in, saturday night in bed by 10, how sad.
did manage 750 calories at the gym so not feeling too bad anymore, so hungry though! its been such a long time since ive actually felt hungry its weird, i usually stuff my face with carbs all day.















i love alexa chung

having a boyfriend can be the best thing in the world, but also the worst thing in the world.

he was hungover today and asked me to take him to kfc, of all the fucking places we could have gone to.
650 calories of fried chicken (i had to look up the nutrition info on the website as soon as we got back to his house)
what an absolutely failed day. i have already shot myself in the foot on the first day of this new effort to lose weight.
and after i had TOLD him i turned over a new leaf and wanted to be 'healthy' from now on. what was his response? turn the leaf over tomorrow :(

dickhead.

i do love him though.

dinner: salad with no dressing

after dinner: GYM, need to burn 700 calories minimum.